The Sock Monster---3/30/2007
The Cookie Monsters heinous cousin, The Sock Monster feeds on your lowly foot coverings. His cravings are insatiable and he always prefers the taste of fresh socks. Some say that he may live in the dryer tumbler...others speculate that his abode is the spin cycle of the wash. What I do know is that I have been stalking him for 16 some odd years and he remains as elusive as the Yeti or Nessi. If you have a picture of the notorious Monster please forward it to me so that I can photoshop up a proper "wanted" poster. No ones socks are safe!

People who close their wireless networks---3/29/2007
Even when some of the wisest security experts in the world have stated that they leave their network wide open, everyone closes their wifi tighter than a snare drum. Is it the RIAA and the fear of your neighbors pirating music on your network?...nah I think the average user doesn't even know about the RIAA/STASI lawsuits. Must be the constant barrage of identity theft that we see on the media and commercials?? nah most people still throw out their unopened credit card applications that come in the junk mail...so they can't be that concerned with Identity theft. I think its a problem of having just enough information to make a judgement when in reality they don't understand the issue. The only valid reason that I see for closing your wireless network is pure selfishness....I can dig that...you pay for it, why should you let someone use it who pays nothing. But if it doesn't degrade your network (slow your download speeds of last weeks "office" torrents) why not share the love.... Free the Wifi



The Oval Office---3/25/2007
Oval really? Nothing screams power like a shape with out corners and jagged edges or sharp points. An oval couldn't even figure out how to be a circle...I guess its fitting for the current administration. Don't psychologists claim that a room with out 90 degree wall intersections will make a person crazy??? I guess maybe that will be the final excuse.

The word "Stoked"---3/22/2007
Nothing screams lame-oh wannabe hard core louder than the term "Stoked"! Please refrain from using said phrase and repleace with "really excited" or "happy" they are both suitable replacements when utilized with non-dufousy body language. While we are at it; hats with straight bills or slightly cocked hats do not make you appear any more hardcore..they really just make you look like an immature ass.


Setting up a new computer---3.19.2007
Here I am almost three days later and I am still loading software...a flash here, a Java there...Basically if you don't have access to the internet. Don't buy a computer. The first thing they ask you to do is go to the internet to load updates....can't it wait!



Dell Laptops---
I ordered one...it arrived last tuesday...I plug it in...blackscreen! The damn thing hangs at boot. I spend 1 hour on Dell online with Dell tech support and I am assured that it will not happen again. The next morning I press the power button..."No boot device found"! As I write this I am waiting for UPS to ship this POS back to Texas or Malaysia or wherever it came from. Dell I gave you a shot...you didn't "deliver" or business relationship is over. Maybe it's Vista, maybe its a flawed harddrive...who knows, what I do know is that this Macbook that I am writing this post on didn't hang at boot the first time it powered up.



Restless Leg Syndrome---3.15.2007
a.k.a. lazyness...guess what folks your legs are restless because you sit on your ass all day. Turns out when you go for a walk, lift some weights, or just flat out resist the urge to sit motionless for 10 to 12 hours a day your legs tend to feel quite tired, or should I say unrestless. I suppose you could just take a pill for it, but I don't want to hear any complaints when you can't perform in the sack, peeing becomes a painful activity and you have a blood clot in your leg the size of a freaking elephant.


Fortune Cookies---3.13.2007
I have yet to open one and find any money...let alone a fortune. Plus calling this folded cracker a cookie is pure blasphemy.


Jelly Donuts---
Jelly goes on PB sammies, and truckstop toast...it has no place in Donuts. Givem to me...raised, glazed or powdered but keep your invitro out of my donuts.



Online Purchase Withdrawal---3.10.2007
I love the idea of researching a product, finding the perfect one with out ever leaving your desk. The purchase experience is as easy as ever with Paypal, and the credit card options. It all works flawlessly till you click that confirm order button....and the waiting begins. I want it now! Why didn't I select the overnight shipping? Why can't UPS give you a gas pedal option?



Cigarette Tossers---3.07.2007
Enough already with the littering. If you throw your filters out of your car...I will pull in front of you and empty the last of my taco bell burrito on your windshield. Im gonna pick up an extra burrito just for this...it'll be fun! Cigarette smoking is disgusting on its own...thiers no need to litter!
Cell Phone Superheroes---3.05.2007
Listen up folks...if you wear khakis, there is no room for your cell phone on your belt. You are not a super hero...I repeat you are not a superhero. No matter how much your geekiness yearns to have super productivity or x-ray vision you are just a dork in khakis. And don't give me that malarkey about it being to big for your pocket. Nobody cares about your what kind of cellphone you have...it doesn't give you any geekstreet cred. It just makes you look dorky...so knock it off.



Spoiler Abuse----
Very few street legal cars warrant a spoiler. For the most part they just make your car look cheap. If you want to make your car appear sportier you need to change the suspension or rims. Thats not cheap and thats why so many people cop out and go with the spoiler. If I take a total overwieght dork with bad skin and white socks...do you think putting him in cool sunglasses is all its gonna take to get the girl...I don't think so. My advise, stay away from spoilers.


Soda Pop Stomach Aches---3.03.2007
Nothing is more refreshing when you have a sore throat than a nice ginger ale...but whenever I twist the cap...something happens, I can't explain it. I end up mowing that sonovabitch like a starving polar bear...and what happens next; you guessed it...Soda Pop Stomach Ache. In reality did I cure my sore throat, no its like I just traded a sore throat for a stomach ache...what a bummer.


Snow scraper skippers---3.01.2007
For somereason be it one too many snoozes in the morning...these are the folks that decide to just hop in the car and go....when they should take the time to scrape the windows, these folks make the poor decision to just clear off a small portal and go for it. The problem is that they end up driving really slow and putting every one in danger. You'll see them puttering down the middle of the road at 15 mph slowing down both lanes...when you pass them you don't even get the satisfaction of the "hairy eyeball" because they can't see ya! Just do it right and the time saved in your commute will make up for the time spent scraping.



Close parkers---2.27.2007
These are the folks that try to fit in a space that is obviously to small for thier vehicle. Combine the expanding waistline of americans with large suvs and you have a problem....These personal vehicular space invaders make me wish that I had a nice rusty 85 Cutlass. You think anybody parks to close to a nicely aged Cutty....I don't think so!


The freaking GM presidents sale ads---2.25.2007
Every acct director and marketing manager that greenlights advertisements for the television should be forced to sit in a room and listen to the audio to the ad they are about to submit as many times as expect their audience to. I hate that freakin ad and now I hate GM just for using the damn ad....its mostly the song that is the most grating...sure its catchy but in a bad abrasive way. What a effen waste of millions of advertising dollars! I understand the need to move away from dealer incentives to move product but come on not at the expense of your audiences sanity. General Motors you are officially on my list!
Crisper Drawers---2.22.2007
Bear with me on this on folks...I know that they are supposed to make your fruits and vegetables last longer but I think that they actually are less productive. Even with glass tops I still forget about the contents of the drawer...its like anything in that drawer doesn't exist. Put the green pepper on the bottom shelf of the fridge and were having fajitas tonight, but put it in the crisper drawer and watch me throw out a mushy plastic bag in three weeks. I hate Crispter Drawers!

Snarfers---2.21.2007
you know who they are; it might be that a-hole that takes the turn lane on the freeway all the way to the last minute while everyone else is stopped in the other two lanes, it could be the bastard that cuts in front of you at the meat counter at the super market. For some reason this person thinks that there time is worth more than everyone else. This no talent ass clown has no problem putting thier needs ahead of everything, even at the expense of the system...these folks are the very reason for the backup on the freeway. You my friend are my douche bag of the day, may karma take a big dump on you!

Cottage Cheese What a wierd psuedo cheese, its not really a cheese...its like the cheesemaker was to lazy to finish the job. Leave this stuff to the toothless babies.
Pop Trolls---2.21.2007 The bastard that drinks your pop out of the fridge at work...the roommate that always takes the last pop from the fridge...hell it might even be inside you? Have you ever taken the last soda from a fridge pak and left the box in the fridge-you might be under the psycotropic control of the dreaded "Pop Troll".
Gift Pimpers
These are folks that buy extravagant gifts for people...which is nice, but then because their not selfless...feel necessary to tell everyone how great/expensive their gift was.

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