Fridays 10.05.2007 Douchebag is..

Katherine Kersten-soccer mom extraordinare
On October 3rd Katherine Kersten wrote an editorial or article or whatever about the Critical Mass protest/bike ride that took place, you can find it here. Now I'll be the first to admit I hate wannabe bike messengers that don't follow the rules of the road, but something about K.K. article rubbed me the wrong way. Probably the frenzied meth riddled soccer mom aspect to it bothered me but what really got my goat was the fact that she lumped them in as serial lawbreakers??? Really K.K. thats what the mayor needs to crack down on? Not drug dealers on the North side, or gangs or car breakins and muggings in uptown....nope its the bicyclers that are the root of all evil in this great city. Glad to see that others feel as I do in the comments of her psuedo-blog.

Sundays 9.30.2007 Douchebag is..

Uptown Rainbows Clerks
Seriously I hate shopping here, the reason: the checkout clerks. I feel like I have stabbed their dreams with a rusty screwdriver every time I check out. Its hard to describe their demeanor; "broken" is the best adjective I can think of. My speculation is that this Rainbow is roundys equivalent of the Salem Witch Trials. They send their worst performing staff there, if they float; they get better and get to move to another store. If they sink? Well their probably union so they can't be fired; so they stay put, marching forward lifelessly towards unhappiness. And thats where I come in, just trying to get some produce and cereal, bumbling my way thru life....and then bang, my day is shot, they've stolen my spirit.

Sundays 9.23.2007 Douchebag is..

Passive Freeway Mergers
Okay so I am a bit of an aggressive driver but nothing pisses me off then passive mergers. How many times have I been stuck behind some A-hole that thinks that their gonna merge onto a bristling Interstate Highway at 45 MPH. I am no physicist but even I can tell you, thats not an equation I wanna see the answer to. But whats worse is being stuck behind these people; looking in your rear view and sideview mirrors trying to gauge traffic is tough enough, I don't need to worry about what's in front of me too. And you never know...these folks obviously have no clue how to drive, they might just think its a Yield! Keep your eyes on these ones folks, they are nothing but trouble to our nations interstate commerce.

Saturday 9.01.2007 Douchebag is..

Reststop Romancin-Larry Craig
Does it suprise anybody thats his first name is Larry? Sorry to all the standup Larry's of the world but this guy is a "Larry" all the way. How do you get to congress and not know the most common of all rules..."when you find yourself in a hole; quit digging"? Good luck with your reststop romance Larry.

Saturday 6.23.2007 Douchebag is..

Wannabe Bike Messengers
The other day this lame-oh comes up to a four way stop on his bike....he's got the "fixie" single speed road bike...the messenger bag....pants rolled up...the whole nine yards. So here comes this guy on the road barreling down the street. So I am at the stop first and he's on my right; I pull forward and instead of stopping he swoops out in front of my truck. When I passed him he yelled some crap at me. I am so sick of the guys on the bikes that think they are sooo hard core. If you want the respect of cars while you ride on the road, follow the rules of the road. I was so pissed, never mind the fact that this guy is ruining the reputation of all the good bicyclers out there.

Thursdays 5.17.2007 Douchebag is..

Dr. Phil
Listen hear doctor one name...just cause you have a mustache, don't think for a moment that I trust one word that you say. Take your awwshucks demeanor and your huckster diet pills, what the hell grab Dr. Laura while your at it and retire to the island of misfit psychologists. Don't even get me started on Dr. Keith ad "blow"

Wednesdays 5.8.2007 Douchebag is..

Super Aggressive Drivers
Like the africanized honey bee's, no one really knows for sure what takes and otherwise smart logical "WASP" freeway driver and drives him over the edge. Maybe its one to many T.P.S. reports at work, maybe its the looming stress of debt...no one thing can be pinpointed. But what can be is that this normal man/woman for some reason looses all sense on the nations intestates; suddenly making that "just inches" three lane pass seems logical. Those 1.5 seconds of time must be worth more than platinum. These folks are the main reason for rush hour traffic, instead of simply lifting the accelerator to let in merging traffic...these "Stonewall Jacksons" of the interstate hit the gas, close the gap and bring the whole freeway to a crawl. Nice job douchebag you just lost that 1.5 seconds you gained from the froggeresque 4 lane weave pass earlier!

Tuesdays 5.8.2007 Douchebag is..

Consumption
Who the eff are the Jones and why am I so caught up with what they got. Chances are roughly 50 percent that the Mr. Jones is out schtuping the secretary while Mrs. Jones maxs out the credit cards. Everyone knows that happiness comes from little blue pills; not consumption. All consumption leads to is debt, unhappiness and storage units. How did we as a nation get so confused with the notion of "want vs. need" Will the train come off the tracks if the secret gets out...that you don't really need that 60 inch plasma or that the throwaway pots at the grocery store are good enough for your stroganoff. The cold war ended and our nation did not cease to exist...what if...I know its a big what if...but lets stop the "Consumption War"!

Saturdays 5.5.2007 Douchebag is..

Verizon
Verizons walled garden approach to web access on cell phones is truly appalling. It is disrespectful to their customers and it brings down the user experience. They advertise all these cool features but in order to use them, you have to buy all sorts of add ons. Now they are pushing mobile T.V.; wow is all I can say. I bet there are people out there that are signing up for a basic phone and when they get their first bill, its a good 100% more than they expect due to add ons.
So when you add together the walled garden(censored internet) approach, the redonkulous prices and the whole shutting down Vonage thing....Verizon you earn a great big gold star of Douche Baggery, Congrats!

Sundays 4.29.2007 Douchebag is..

Big Oil
Big Oil 1: "Alright summmer vacation is coming, the driving season is upon us...oil is not high enough....what do we do?
Big Oil 2: "Could we jack prices and say a refinery was down?"....nah people are sick of that one.
Big Oil 2: How about..."we have to shut down the pipeline cause of a leak"---shoot we used that one last year.
Big Oil 1: "Alright....Geopolitical terrorism it is!"
Big Oil 2: "How long do you reckon we can string along the general public on that one?"
Big Oil 1: "Till actual scarcity catches up with prices?" "Hopefully"
---my idea of how a meeting of big oil goes down.

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